I fell in love with a girl who is a monumentally slow eater. Note I didn't use a negative modifier, like "painfully" or "frightfully", but instead, I used monumentally, because I am of the mind that if someone with a lot of time on their hands invented some sort of slow eating contest, she would be respected, set new strides, and probably earn a medal. After dinner, I warned her that this topic was going to make an exhilarating Tweet. In which her response was a conspicuous rolling of her eyes as she turned her attention back to Candy Crush, all while I laughed so hard that I farted.
Luckily for the world, I was feeling perhaps just a bit existential and in the mood to do a little pondering of the connectedness of all life. I did a bit of research (and basic arithmetic) and calculated some events that happened in the 45 minutes (fur real) it took my girlfriend to eat on reasonably sized sandwich.
25. 11,250 babies were born
24. Oprah made $23,535
23. Lightning struck the earth 16,200 times
22. There were 225 earthquakes
21. 4,815 people died
20. There were 22,951,800 new Facebook posts.
19. 585,000 apps were downloaded onto Iphones
18. Everyone in my house, including my cat, peed at least once
17. A content sloth moved about 40 feet
16. A frazzled jittery sloth moved about 300 feet
15. Miley Cyrus probably did something that many odd people felt destroyed the fabric of 'Merica
14. Bill Gates made $184,050 (eat it Oprah)
13. I made .171 cents . . . (groan. . . grumble. . .)
12. Light from the sun traveled (almost) 18,000,000km
(can you tell I'm starting to reach)
11. 10. 9. 8. 7. . . . and so on. I think I'm past the point of being witty, (and math is hard)
I know a lot of other things happened during that time that I can't quantify or be certain of. For instance, I'd bet the farm on the fact that Kristy Ally's weight changed, a Kardashian tan line slowly burned away, Sarah Palin's resolve shrunk in trying to hide her crazy, and Snooki used the word "meatball" like a million times.
So how about that, wondrous things to behold happen all around us all the time, and all we have to do is take a moment and ponder them. It may do all of us some good if we gave some thought to how precious and fragile life really is. But not me, I'm too busy observing how long it takes for my girlfriend to trudge her way through a bacon sandwich. . . I wonder if Miley Cyrus likes BLT's. . .
